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Cyber Suckers
A 'sick old lady' scams the Nigerian e-mail scammers

BY HARMON LEON

Maybe you’ve received the propitious e-mail apologizing for the
inconvenience but promising the reward of millions of dollars. All
you have to do is provide some bank account information. Bay Area
comedian Harmon Leon couldn’t resist. So, posing as an ill elderly
woman in need of money, he responded. This is his story.

One morning I receive a Nigerian scam e-mail. It begins, “DEAR FRIEND.” The author explains that his name is Mr. Hassan Bakare from Nigeria, “chairman of the contract review panel.” He needs my help (me!) in assuring the smooth transfer of billions (yes, billions) of dollars.

All I have to do is provide my full name, bank account number, address, telephone number, and fax number. The billions will flow through my account into America, and for my assistance I will receive 30 percent of the billions!

Welcome to the world of Nigerian e-mail scamming!

Believe it or not, e-mail scamming is Nigeria’s third-largest industry. Business-wise, if the government cracked down on this scam it would be equivalent to forcing Nevada to close down its casinos. It’s been emptying the pockets of its hapless victims for decades in various incarnations—first it was worked through letters, then through faxes, and now, in this age before the jetpack, via e-mail.

How the Nigerian e-mail scam works

Scammers have purchased a list of thousands of random e-mail addresses and, just your luck, yours is one they hit on. They write you an urgent letter, in formal yet broken English, posing as a member of a very wealthy Nigerian family who is in a serious bind. The “wealthy foreigner” spins a sob story. You’re hooked.

You pay the “transfer fee” and dream of untold riches. Then come the “complications” (there are always “complications”). You’re required to shell out even more money. Eventually, your bank account is drained dry. Then you cry.

Me and Mr. Bakare

Are these scam artists heartless monsters who will stop at nothing to get their hands on the contents of our bank accounts, or do they still possess a shred of humanity? Hmmm—I want to find out. So I answer the scam e-mail right away. I say that I’m a very sick old lady named Gladys who is hooked up to a kidney dialysis machine and wants to make money to pay off her mounting hospital bills.

Mr. Hassan Bakare quickly writes back and explains that he and his three partners met earlier in the day (this very day!) and decided to take me (sick old lady) on as their foreign partner. Well, fuck me sideways! Then Hassan gets a little spiritual on my ass. He shows sympathy for me, a poor sick old lady. He struggles with his spelling and grammar.

* * *

MY DEAR FRIEND,

I MUST LET YOU KNOW AT THIS POINT THAT GOD ALMIGHTY HAVE HIS WAY OF DOING THINGS FOR HIS PEOPLE. I BELIEVE YOU HAVE NEVER THINK OF GETTING THIS LIFETIME OPPORTUNITY WITH YOUR CONDITION BUT I MUST EQUALLY LET YOU KNOW THAT ME AND MY PARTNERS FASTED FOR SEVEN DAYS FOR THIS VERY TRANSACTION FOR GOD ALMIGHTY TO BRING SOMEBODY WHO WILL HELP US. WITH GOD ON OUR SIDE THIS TRANSACTION WILL NOT ONLY BRING GOOD FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN US BUT INTERRELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOUR FAMILY AND MY FAMILY.


BEST REGARDS,

HASSAN

Mr. Hassan Bakare ends by promising me that the billions of dollars will be in my bank account within 14 working days. Hurrah! In my reply, I again emphasize that I’m a sick old lady.

* * *

Dear Mr. Hassan,

Today I threw up blood. I’ve never seen so much blood in all my life.

I also got horrible news from the doctors about my health. I need major surgery that will cost a lot of money. Your investment opportunity sounds like it could be the answer to all my prayers. Without the surgery, I might die, but if I could afford it, my life will be saved.

Can you assure me that your plan works? Even though I might die, I want to make sure that I have money to leave my granddaughter. She has a rare immune-system disease and is required to live in a plastic bubble.

I don’t have a bank account, so please advise me on what to do.

Praise Jesus!

Gladys

It worked! Mr. Hassan Bakare collapses under my sob story and shows compassion—complete and utter human compassion!

* * *

MY DEAR FRIEND,

WE ARE REALLY WORRIED BECAUSE TIME IS NO LONGER ON OUR SIDE, WE JUST HAVE TO COMPLETE THIS TRANSACTION WITHIN THE SHORTEST POSSIBLE TIME.

I DO HOPE I AM DEALING WITH A GOD FEARING PERSON LIKE ME BECAUSE THIS TRANSACTION IS ALL ABOUT TRUST AND HONESTY …

Now I feel like the bad one. But then Mr. Hassan Bakare finds a way around the whole bank-account issue.

I ADVISE YOU TO LOOK FOR A PERSON WHO CAN HELP US WITH A BANK ACCOUNT, SOMEBODY WHO YOU CAN TRUST THAT WILL NOT RUN AWAY WITH OUR MONEY.

THANK YOU,

HASSAN

I decide to get snippy with Mr. Hassan Bakare for doubting my loyalty.

* * *

Young Man!

I do not like your tone and attitude. I’m beginning to think I’m not dealing with Christians. IS THIS TRUE? Of course I have a bank account! I run a very successful home-assembly business. But I have found NO trust in you. If we’re going to be business partners then I need to trust you. I would like to see a photo of you and your family. I can tell by looking at a person whether or not I can do business with him.

Thank you very much.

Mrs. Gladys McDonald

* * *

MY DEAR FRIEND,

I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL AND THE CONTENT WELL UNDERSTOOD. I AM VERY SORRY IF I HAVE OFFENDED YOU IN ANY WAY. THE PROBLEM IS THAT WE HAVE VERY SHORT TIME TO CONCLUDE THIS TRANSACTION.

NOTE: I ONLY ASK IF YOU HAVE AN ACCOUNT WHERE THE MONEY WILL BE TRANSFERRED TO. I WAS AFRAID AT FIRST THAT IF YOU CANNOT PRIVIDE AN ACCOUNT THAT MEANS NOTHING CAN BE DONE BUT SINCE YOU HAVE ONE I THANK GOD FOR HIS MERCY AND SURPORT.

MAY THE ALMIGHTY GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY,

BAKARE

Lo and behold, Mr. Hassan Bakare actually does send a photo. I wait several days before answering him.

* * *

Dear Balky,

Sorry I haven’t written sooner, but I was in the intensive care unit of the hospital all week. I had a stroke that paralyzed half my face. I was throwing up a lot of blood. Now it’s temporarily stopped. I have to go back tomorrow for some more tests and a CAT scan.

And thank you for the picture. Was that taken with a digital camera? What is the little one’s name? Is it Petey? Do you have any other pictures so I know that you’re telling the truth?

The medicine has made me tired. I must sleep now.

Gladys

I think Mr. Hassan Bakare is beginning to like me, for he now uses the lower case in writing his letters.

* * *

My Dear Lady,

I receive your mail and am very sorry for your sickness so far, I know that with God all things are possible so just put God first and he will surely heal you from your sickness.

Furthermore I have sent you my family pictures as requested but if at this time you are still not convince I am sorry. My pictures are not important now. If you are not satisfied with what you saw then forget about this business and let me look for more serious person who will not delay. You are delaying this transaction and as you know we have little time to conclude this.

May the Almighty God take good care of you and your family.

Hassan Bakare

That bastard! He’s willing to sell me out even though I’m a sick old lady with a half-paralyzed face! I wonder if I can get him to send me money?!

* * *

LISTEN YOUNG MAN!

I am a very sick woman with a half-paralyzed face! Having you pressuring me is not good for my health! I am serious about the transaction, but I have to know that you are serious too.

Now, if you have all the money that you say you do, as a token of trust could you send me some so I can pay my hospital bill? Then we can proceed with the transaction as requested. We are talking about doing a large cash-flow transaction, so $1,000 shouldn’t be a problem between partners. I would also like you to send me a monkey—something about chimpanzee size.

God bless good old Jesus,

Gladys

I conclude by telling him that I received another e-mail from one of his countrymen, who has provided several requested photos of his family in various poses. This doesn’t sit well with Mr. Hassan Bakare—especially the monkey part. In fact, he’s pissed!

* * *

My Good Friend,

I think I understand your problem, you don’t even trust yourself because if you do and you have that Godly mind you will learn how to trust another human being like you. If at this point paying your hospital bill and sending you a monkey will make you believe that this transaction is real then forget it, I will still pray to my heavenly father to send me somebody who is God fearing and who will help me pull this transaction to a successful end.

You are not even grateful to God that at your sick period such opportunity came knocking at your doorstep.

Bye,

Hassan

Mr. Hassan Bakare has pitted the Almighty against me! How dare this scam artist say I don’t even trust myself! I decide to ask him for a second chance.

* * *

No, Hassa!

You got me all wrong. Please! I am grateful, very grateful. Please don’t do this to me! Hassa, look into your heart and give me one more chance. Please! I am on a lot of medication and my judgment isn’t always good. Just tell me what you need. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease!

Yours in Jesus,

Gladys

P.S.: You asked for a photo and I finally got one taken with one of those digital cameras. Aren’t they amazing! Here is the photo.

I include a picture of a very old woman being tended to in a hospital bed. Mere hours later I hear back from Mr. Hassan Bakare. Surprisingly, he’s had a spiritual change of heart.

* * *

Dear Gladys,

I must tell you that God will not allow me to denied you this opportunity after such an apology from you. I am in receipt of your photograph and I cannot but confess that you are very beautiful, even on a sick bed. I wonder what you must have looked like in your teens, you must have been an angel ...

Our moment is short-lived. After mentioning he’ll pray for me and keep my faith in God, Hassan Bakare goes on to stress that he needs my bank account information. I decide to act like he’s granted me a second chance at life.

* * *

Dear Hassa,


In the name of Jesus, thank you! Thank you, Hassa, thank you! I couldn’t be happier. Now I’m so happy that the pain of my serious medical ailments doesn’t seem so unpleasant (but I do throw up blood often and frequently). God bless!

Hassa, thank you for saying I looked like an angel as a teen. Oh, Hassa, please—you make me blush like a schoolgirl! Please, you’re a married man!

To help speed up the process, could you send me the same bank account information about yourself? But please hurry, for just today, I received this e-mail from a Dr. Bello Yusuf of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation.

God bless us and look over this transaction.

Gladys

* * *

Yes, I turn the tables and include an e-mail from another Nigerian scam artist in order to pit the two against each other. It works. He tells me that Dr. Bello Yusaf is one of his country’s many “fraud stars,” and that we shall not both fall victim.

I pledge you not to ever in your entire life reply to their mails.

I hope you are getting better as me and my family joined hand in prayer for your quick recovery. My wife told me that she is looking forward to seeing you as I have explained everything to her this morning.

Yours faithfully,

Hassan Bakare

Crafty Mr. Hassan Bakare forwards his new e-mail address in order to divert the scammers.

* * *

Dear Hassa,

Dear me, you are a good man! Your heart is filled with nothing but good. You remind me of my late husband. Will you be coming to America for the transaction? I’d love to meet your wife. We can go shopping together and do each other’s hair—you know, women’s stuff.

Who are these scammers and what do they do? Oh my! This sounds serious. I have never heard of this before. Are they bad people?


God bless!

Gladys

I tell Hassan that the good Dr. Bello had sent me money to pay for all my hospital bills and that he has not.

* * *

Woman,

Please I am not for a childs play. If you are not competent for this transaction, I sincerely grant your endulgence. I am beginning to suspect you, because you do not even trust your self. Common particulars for the registration of your good self is taking you all these time, I wonder where your faith is.

Dr. Bello Yusuf is a scamer. Had I know scamers by face I would have get them arrested and jailed them for the rest of their life. We only hear that they exist in this country and other part of the country also. If you are not satisfied you can go ahead and follow him but I assured you that the end will definitely be regrets.

Yours faithfully,

Hassan

He again mentions that time is no longer on our side. If I don’t send my bank info, he’ll find someone else! This is getting intriguing. If I can’t get the scammer to give me money, then I want to learn how the whole operation works. I’ll use the angry approach.

* * *

MR. HASSAA!

LISTEN AND LISTEN GOOD! I am sensing something in your tone I do not like. DO NOT refer to me as “Woman.” I am old enough to be your grandmother. In fact, you must now refer to me as Mrs. Gladys Knight or I will NOT continue with this. How dare you say I do not trust myself!

Furthermore, DO NOT talk that way about my beloved Dr. Bello Yusuf. He has already proven his trust to me by putting money in my bank account. AND YOU HAVE NOT!

If he’s a scammer, how does he scam money? Huh? If you can at least answer that question then maybe we can get this thing on the road and transfer the money ASAP. Let’s get it going! Woo!

All you need is to give me straight answers, and no horse pucky!

Mrs. Gladys Knight

Mr. Hassan Bakare seems slightly sad and sentimental in his next email.

* * *

Dear Mrs. Gladys Knight,

We do not have to get temperamental having gone this far. It only breaks my heart when I go out of my way to completely open up to someone I confide in, only to become an object of suspicion. It hurts.

I first introduced you to this transaction. Do you ever ask yourself how come the so called Dr. Bello Yusuf managed to know about this transaction and to get your contact address when he was neither told by you nor me? This is the handy work of a scamer. They have the facilities to intercept peoples mails and calls, work on them and pretend to be what they are not. They usually start by being very nice because they know that ignorant people hardly resist nice people, but their ultimate goal is to use and defraud their victims. You asked me “How do they scam money?” They usually do this in so many ways, but the most common one that I am aware of is that they eventually ask you send them your bank account to enable them transfer funds into it, heaven made you to believe in them like “Dr. Bello Yusuf” is doing. But they turn around to defraud your account of vitually all the money already inside. I strongly advice you to discontinue any forms of communication with Bello Yusuf and his likes permanently. “To be for warned is to be for armed.”

Thanks and God bless. I remain your good friend.

Kindest regards,

Hassan

* * *

Mr. Hassa,

I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner, but I had a serious relapse and had to be in the hospital for many nights. The doctor didn’t think I would pull through. In fact, I was pronounced clinically dead. But what pulled me through, when all seemed darkest, was the thought of your generous offer. If I didn’t have that to think about, I certainly wouldn’t be alive right now.

The doctor told me that any type of agitation would be too much for my heart to take. Once I get a little bit of my strength back, which should be in a few days, I will be able to begin the transaction. I already began my transaction with Dr. Bello Yusuf. He was so nice to send me an assortment of flowers and a fruit basket when death was knocking on my door.

Yours in Jesus,

Mrs. Gladys Knight

I include in my e-mail the fax number of a local Kinkos. Now he’s faced with a dilemma: he can either demonstrate his humanity and stop this scam; or he can push on using this new, key piece of information—the precious fax number. Mr. Hassan Bakare chooses the second option, and tells me to immediately send my banking information.

Okay, I’m dealing with one of the most cold-hearted bastards on the planet. All I want is an ounce—a mere ounce—of real human compassion. I want some small sign of remorse for trying to swindle a sick old lady. Time to lay it on thick.

* * *

Bakare,

You were right. You were so right. I trusted Mr. Bello Yusuf and he ended up cheating me out of a lot of money. You were so right! It got me so upset that I ended up having another stroke and now the other half my face is paralyzed. How can a person do such a thing and look at himself in the mirror every day? Please tell me.

Now I trust you, for you told me about this and I didn’t listen.

We need to do this transaction quickly or else I’m going to be kicked out of the nursing home. If there’s any way you can help me out, please let me know. I can pay you back when the transaction is complete.

The pain is unbearable. I must sleep now.

Mrs. Gladys Knight

Well, I thought it would work.

* * *

Dear Mrs. Gladys Knight,

It breaks my heart to hear that your health have degenerated to partial stroke as a result of Mr. Yusuf Bello’s cheating. I wish I had been able to prevent it. How can a beautiful woman like you suffer such. This is so sad. The fact that I will not be able to send you some money to alleviate your health problems hurts me more but I just have to tell you the truth. Firstly, I and my colleagues had practically committed all our funds towards the financing of this investment to ensure a smooth and successful completion. Nevertheless, I will see what I can raise or do.

Better still, I would suggest that you send me those informations I requested for in my last mail to you as a matter of urgency. This will enable us start up and finish this project as soon as possible. Then you will have more than enough funds to take care of your needs.

I wish you God’s protection and speedy recovery. Awaiting your prompt response.

Kindest regards,

Bakare Hassan

I’ll give it one last, desperate effort. I’ll lay it on extreeemely thick and see if I can get any money out of him.

* * *

DAer Mr Haasennn

SORRry my tuping is not good buttt I”M in GREeat pain and my strOOKE HAS leeesen the mobiltiy in my aaaarm. DO YOU MEEEAN IT!!!! dID YOOOu reeely thinkk YOOOu can senD+ mee mooney? THatt wooouldd be greeat. YoU could jjuuust seenD it regualr mail. Thank! YOU! THANNK YOOUU!

MRS G;ladyss Knight

* * *

Strangely, I never heard from Mr. Hassan Bakare again. I often stare out the window and wonder what he’s doing right now. Maybe he developed compassion for his fellow human beings and that’s why he stopped. Or perhaps he was beheaded by the leader of his organization for showing weakness and had his head paraded around the town square on a stick. I guess I’ll never know! ³

Harmon Leon is a Bay Area comedian and freelance writer who recently drove a golf cart through the media circus in Las Vegas with a Michael Jackson impersonator.


 

 




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