New Times - San Luis Obispo - The Shredder

the shredder

This guy walks into a bar

If Arnold Schwarzenwhatever wins the recall, somebody please put me on the Do-Not-Call List. I bet the people who oppose his candidacy the most are newspaper headline writers. Try getting his last name into a one-column space. Gray Davis was great—so accommodating with only five letters. It’s the best thing he ever did for us. Me, I think I’m voting for Tom McClintock. I always vote for the local favorite. I love his Shell Beach restaurant.

Speaking of locals, with SLO Town’s gubernatorial candidate Mike McCarthy listed on top of the ballot, look for him to pick up the most undecided votes. People will see his name first and punch his chad hard, thinking, “Heck, I bet a used-car salesman can do better than any of these yo-yos,” and they’d be right.

As his first official act in Sacramento, Mike can hold a special going-out-of-business clearance sale to clean house. How much for a low-mileage assemblyman owned by a little old lobbyist? This senator needs a lube job badly. So does this one. Time for an overhaul. Heck, Mike might even get elected, seeing as how everyone I know is undecided: “Davis? Yeah, but he’s such a wimp. Arnold? If I hear another Terminator joke, I’ll kill someone. Cruz Bustamante? But do you really want a dork for governor?”

These are some of the thoughts careening beneath my skull bone of late. The recall election careens the loudest. I’m getting a headache. On Tuesday, you’ll go to the polls. You’ll look at the 135 names on the ballot. You’ll choose one and prepare to punch. You’ll stop and scratch your head. Then you’ll say to hell with it and go have a beer. That’ll be me at the next stool. Cheers.

I see that our own assemblyman (183,000 miles), Abel Maldonado, has become one of Schwarzenegger’s campaign advisers. What could he be advising? Hey, Arnold, stop saying, “We going to do dis, and stuff.” And better knock off with how “Kalifornya” has given you everything and that you just want to give something back. Nobody cares about that. I’m sure that if McClintock had stopped bugging his eyes out at the debate that he’d be 20 points up in the polls. And Arianna Huffington’s performance was blood-curdling. Someone referred to her as the ex-wife from hell. Boy, I can relate. Thankfully, she’s outta here. Maybe she’ll spark a trend. Hey, Mike, something’s knockin’—let’s look under that hood.

If you want to see how badly you’re getting screwed at the ballot box, better check out this week’s cover story. It’s about reapportionment, probably the most boring topic this side of macroeconomic theory. My eyes glaze over and words are just sounds and I want to go outside and play. But stop. Listen. The Dems and Repubs have quietly stolen your vote by colluding to divide Congressional districts to favor each party, protecting incumbents from any challengers. It’s diabolically brilliant, a move to make Machiavelli cackle in demented approval.

I could never figure out why Republican Beth Rogers lost so badly to Lois Capps in the 23rd District race. Now I get it. When you draw district lines to encompass Democrat enclaves, a Republican win is about as likely as Lois bringing any pork back from Washington. The new 23rd District hugs the coast like a spaghetti snake down through Santa Barbara. Lois doesn’t represent the North County anymore. Republican Bill Thomas does. I wonder why.

You can wake up now. Time for some other things. In San Luis, the Ken Freitas case is moving along, but I have nothing to say about that. We’ve also had more shark sightings. I have nothing to say about that, either. But back here on shore, it reminds me of a joke. A duck walks into a bar. He tells the bartender to give him a drink. The bartender asks how he’s going to pay for it. The duck says to just put it on his bill (Budda-bump!)

Hey, how about this one: Arnold walks into a barbell and bonks his head. Then he wins the election. This is not funny.

Which reminds me of another joke. A voter walks into a bar and sees Arnold nursing a beer. The voter says to Arnold, “Hey, have you seen Eileen?” Arnold asks, “Eileen who?” and the voter says, “I lean over and you kiss my butt!”

Sorry. I got a little carried away. I didn’t mean to be so disrespectful toward our next ex-movie-star governor. The voter is actually supposed to say, “Eileen voted for you, so I dumped her!” which isn’t funny either, but far more pertinent to the matter at hand. What are we going to do if the guy actually wins? If you vote for him, you’re terminated. Actually, that was you who walked into the bar and I was at the next stool. Somebody buy me a drink. ³