Bullies, crybabies, and butt slappers, oh my! 

I should have invested in pink yarn futures because after this Women’s March on Jan. 21, I would have been as rich as Trump! More than 3 million women marched worldwide, and SLO Town had an estimated 10,000 marchers itself, many clad in knit pink hats with adorable cat ears holding signs that read, “Hands off my pussy,” and “Nasty women keep fighting!” My favorite read, “I’ve seen better cabinets at Ikea!” Yeah, baby! 

Naturally the next day, some women took to social media to complain that the march wasn’t necessary because they have equal rights, and the marchers were just a bunch of whining crybabies.

Dear Anti-March Women, “privilege” is when you think something isn’t a problem because it isn’t a problem to you personally. Don’t want to march for equal rights? Cool! Don’t. However, if you take to social media and act like people who care about other people’s rights are a bunch of babies, don’t be surprised when you’re labeled an asshat, asshats.

You know who else is an asshat? Cambria Community Services District (CCSD) General Manager Jerry Gruber, who scolded a member of the public for trying to hold the CCSD accountable.

I get it, Jerry. Being a public servant would be a lot easier if you didn’t have to worry about being accountable to the annoying public. 

Concerned citizen and frequent complainer Tina Dickinson alerted the Regional Water Quality Control Board about flooding near Cambria’s Sustainable Water Facility, among other things.

Gruber called Dickinson’s actions “borderline harassment,” saying the regional water board had “better things to do than be Tina Dickinson’s servant.”

For realsies, Gruber? The public should just shut the hell up? Don’t count on it, buddy!

Meanwhile, over in Washington, D.C., pussy-grabbing Oompa Loompa-esque President Donald J. Trump has been using his tiny hands to furiously sign executive orders to undo all the “lib-tard stuff” former Black Jesus-esque President Barack Obama did. 

Stalled oil pipeline construction projects have been given the green light (Alert the Water Protectors!). The first steps to appealing Obamacare have been taken (Take two aspirin and call me when you’re rich, losers!). Access to abortion has been limited (No, you can’t have birth control, either!). The Trans-Pacific Partnership has been torn asunder (Welcome to the international trade power vacuum, China!). Trump’s inauguration on Jan. 20 has now been decreed the “National Day of Patriotic Devotion” (Sieg Heil, Trump Day!).

Why should the new conservative majority of the SLO County Board of Supervisors—Supervisors John Peschong, Lynn Compton, and Debbie Arnold—be any different, amirite?

The tyrannical trio voted to boot their liberal colleagues—Supervisors Bruce Gibson and Adam Hill—off three advisory boards just because … they can!

Gibson went so far as to suggest that the conservative majority may have been in cahoots in violation of the Brown Act, saying their votes were “in such lockstep I wonder how it was arranged.”

Really, Bruce? You think they needed to plan behind closed doors to kick you and Adam to the curb? This is the new normal. Prepare yourselves accordingly.

Look, these appointments are certainly important and all, but I have a feeling the family of Andrew Chaylon Holland thinks there are bigger fish to fry, like getting sufficient mental health care facilities in the county.

Holland died in the SLO County Jail on Jan. 22, 12 days after he was ordered transferred to an inpatient psychiatric facility, which didn’t have enough beds to accommodate the transfer. After engaging in self-harm, he was placed in an observation cell and checked on every 15 minutes, yet Holland somehow died. The man needed to be under the care of mental health professionals, not locked in jail. 

This is the sort of serious problem that’s going to take all the supervisors working together to fix, but they seem so deeply divided I’d be surprised if they could agree on how many ice cubes should be placed in their water pitchers on the dais.

All this division is a low down dirty shame. Speaking of which, there’s a serial butt slapper loose on Cal Poly’s campus. So far two women’s behinds have been approached from behind by a man on a mountain bike who with open palm slapped their buttocks before riding off like a small-peckered butthead.

Cal Poly University Police issued a “Timely Warning Crime Bulletin” to make others aware of the two incidents of sexual battery, which occurred on Jan. 17 and 23. Neither victim could describe the Butt Slap Fetishist other than to say he was male, but police did offer some useful victim-blaming advice: “Be alert! Travel in groups! Avoid deserted areas! Avoid earphones—you can’t hear people approaching from behind! Let your friends know where you’re going! If you see a questionable situation, be an active bystander!”

Should they have added, “Make your butt less slappable?” 

I have another idea—my advice on how to not be a serial butt slapper: If you’re riding your mountain bike and feel like slapping a woman’s butt, slap yourself in the face instead and snap the hell out of it! 

The Shredder has a pink hat with pussy ears. Send ideas and comments to [email protected].