New Times / News
The following articles were printed from New Times [newtimesslo.com] - Volume 28, Issue 14
Cougars & Mustangs in costume
By CHRIS WHITE-SANBORN
If you picked up this week’s 400-word column expecting a witty romp full of wordplay and entertainment, I am sorry to say that you have come to the wrong place. The column you hold in your hands is an exercise in severe misery that only the lowest dregs of Hallowe’en fare could offer. Were this actually Hallowe’en, it would be quite apparent it was all a good-natured joke paying homage to one of the usual columnist’s favorite childhood writers, but as we all know, six of the seven days this issue will be on the stands will not be Hallowe’en, so clearly this is all meant to be taken completely seriously. If you are clever, you may have noticed that the Cougars & Mustangs logo has been replaced with a copy of its likeness in jack-o-lantern form, a revolting act of autumnal desecration for which Chris White-Sanborn is responsible. Were he here, I’m sure he would have me remind you not to play with knives, lest you produce some manner of art with them.
So where is the dreadful boy anyway? He’s beginning the National Novel Writing Month challenge he promoted several times over the last few weeks—“promoted” is a word which here means “blathered on and on about due to ulterior motives such as money or wanting to feel more important”—but I regret to inform you that he will be back soon enough. Until then, with autumn in full force, here is a list of wonderful seasonal things you could be doing instead of reading the rest of this column:
Drinking Gopher Glen apple cider. Getting sick on discounted candy. Getting sick on Gopher Glen apple cider. Getting well on either of those things. Reading local writings (presumably) untainted by Chris White-Sanborn, such as Thirteen Reasons Why, Scourge of the Righteous Haddock, and the poetry of Ray Clark Dickson. Beginning your Christmas shopping early by coming up with thoughtful gift ideas that don’t involve the phrase “Black Friday.” Doing homework. Preparing a fancy dinner for your landlord. Sleeping in. Taking dietary supplements. Frankly, there are a lot of options, so it would do you well to just stop reading this at once.
With All Due Respect,
Lemony Snicket is the author of A Series of Unfortunate Events. He did not really write this column. Intern Chris White-Sanborn is wanted for tomfoolery. Send your collegiate news to firstname.lastname@example.org, please, and have a happy Hallowe’en.
Falcon 9 rocket scheduled for launch from Vandenberg The locals who stood at Standing Rock: Three Central Coast residents reflect on their week protesting the Dakota Access Pipeline Sauce in the stocking: Local beer, spirits, and wine companies provide libations that make great last-minute gifts Hobnobbing with Helen Truth or lives: Santa Maria police used fake news release to thwart murder Cities sign on for project aimed to extend Tajiguas Landfill lifespan Man convicted of Nipomo gang assault sentenced to probation